My name is Charlotte and my story may be
a little different than others but I'm sure there are those
out there who are feeling the same..I am a 43 year old woman
with three children from my first marriage thirteen years.I
didn't know anything was wrong except for maybe PMS but
as it escalated throughout the years and started causing
my mind to think crazy I then got a divorce from a wonderful
man that actually took care of me.. What was wrong with
that picture? I then started trying to find out who I was
and with each relationship, I could never trust that someone
really loved me or could be faithful. This has lead to a
long road. I was finally diagnosed with BPD after counceling
through my second marriage to yet another wonderful man
that couldn't cope with my mood changes. As a child, I was
sexually abused by my step-grandfather and I don't know
how long it continued and I suppressed it for about twenty
years or so. I didn't realize a pattern in my life until
I was about thirty two and my relationships kept repeating
themselves with distrust and insecurity. I left my second
husband after several years of marriage and personal counceling
feeling unloved.. There was nothing he could do consistantly
to show me.. He was so releived for me to leave but did
not want to admit it. I'm in a loving relationship now and
the BPD is starting over again.. Although I have been on
EffexorXR for about three years now, I feel that something
more needs to be done because I don't want to repeat this
pattern in my life forever. My fiance' shows me love and
support but at least once a week I start to whine about
his love and wonder if he really loves me and wants me..I
start feeling insecure about our relationship and it is
putting a strain on our relationship and probably pushing
him away. I can't let this happen now so I want to seek
help in coping with this disorder. I feel that I have to
for his sake and my peace of mind.. It's like never feeling
loved unless someone is constantly showing and that is vertually
impossible and too much pressure to put on anyone. I don't
want anyone to have to feel this pain of insecurity all
the time. It hurts me to admit that I have BPD, but at least
there is a name for me..Thank God. But coping with it and
trying to get better at the same time is very difficult
on my relationship. But today, I am going to start doing
what I need to to get better..My second husband always said
I live my life through a song and I do believe he is right
because I am a singer and I am really emotional about it
and I find that when I sing, I feel better but at the end
of the day, I am emotionally drained from it also. It feels
like an emotional hang over.. But it does help..I have recently
moved to another town with my fiance' and this in itself
is a big strain, missing my family and my confidants and
girlfriends and at this time I have no one here but my fiance'
so he gets all of my emotions..Bless his heart.. But today,
I am going to start getting better on my own and if anyone,
anyone, wants to talk to me or if you have any advice, please
feel free to email me and let's talk.. It does a body good
to have friends to talk to in crisis even if it is just
for that brief time of psychosis.. I need you and hopefully
you need me..We all want to feel validated and needed so
let's help one another..
Lovingly,
Charlotte
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